APEC Summit Special
The 2006 APEC summit is in full swing in the Socialist Republic of Vietnam. Leaders of the APEC nations are meeting to hammer out agreement on a host of issues. Each of the 21 member nations has an agenda they wish to promote. Here’s the inside scoop on the heavy hitters.
New Zealand
Background:
Lead by the “Iron Madam”, Helen Clark, the New Zealanders, seek the defeat of Australia, and they plot daily for the overthrow and destruction of that land. Their most effective tatic to date has been “Project X-ray”, a psycological operation to convince young Australians to leave their homes and go abroad and become ski lift operators, scuba instructors, and Starbuck’s barristas.
Stated Objectives:
- Promote Sale of New Zealand Dairy Products
- Promote Freedom and Security
- Reduce CO2 Emissions
Hidden Agenda:
- Destruction and Domination of Australia
Australia
Background:
Australians are a race of raspberry blowing weenies. Mostly they just like to ride around the middle of their desolate country and shoot at each other with strange pistol sized crossbows and sawed off shotguns. Having such a fondness for desolation and post-apocalypse, they often find themselves piching in whenever asses need kicking.
Stated Objectives:
- Promote the Sale of Australian Dairy Products
- Promote Freedom and Security
- Reduce CO2 Emissions
Hidden Agenda:
- Armageddon and post-apocalyptic motorsports
Canada
Background:
On the surface, Canada’s foreign policy seems simple, whatever America does, do the opposite. That’s part of why they are never first to speak on an issue, they want to see which way the US goes first. Otherwise they might get caught out and end up on the same side. Naturally this is all just a cover, for the real objectives. However, these are such a secret that nobody has ever been able to figure out what they are, even those in power.
Stated Objectives:
- Promote the Sale of Canadian Dairy Products
- Promote Freedom and Security
- Reduce CO2 Emissions
Hidden Agenda:
- Figure out a good hidden agenda
Japan
Background:
At the end of WW2, somehow, the Americans, convinced the Japanese that the way to live was the American way. By which the Japanese understood “the American way circa 1950″. This ideal was filled with cartoons, neon signs, baseball, and technological gadgets. Since then America has moved on, but the Japanese still cling to their 1950’s ideal and await their flying cars.
Stated Objectives:
- Promote the Sale of Japanese Dairy Based Snack Foods
- Promote Freedom and Security
- Reduce CO2 Emissions
Hidden Agenda:
- Populate the world with a race of cartoonish, neon light encrusted, baseball playing robots.
South Korea
Background:
South Korea is like South Florida, except that there aren’t as many huricanes, and where Jeb rigged the election so bad that now, up in Oralando, there is a crazy nut bar in charge, and he’s making nukes, and he won’t let you visit your aunt in Tallahasse who can’t feed herself because the economy is screwed up with his failed central planning bullshit.
Stated Objectives:
- Promote the Sale of South Korean Dairy Products
- Promote Freedom and Security
- Reduce CO2 Emissions
Hidden Agenda:
- Don’t get nuked by relatives
China
Background:
China is a sleeping giant, no wait, maybe that’s the US. I guess China is a tiger or a rasin or something, probably not sleeping. I think maybe the sleeping is just a ploy to make us buy more plastic crap. The main goal of China seems to be to sell as much stuff to the rest of the world as possible. They seem plausibly surprised when neighbouring countries use the nuclear bomb components that they sold them last spring to actually construct a nuclear bomb. “Holy cow, I didn’t know you were going to do that with the plutonium! I should have charged you more!”
Stated Objectives:
- Promote the Sale of Plastic Nick-knacks and Dairy Products
- Promote Freedom and Security
- Reduce CO2 Emissions
Hidden Agenda:
- Put extra nick-knacks in the dairy products
- Promote Internal Security
- Reduce the CO2 Emissions of other Countries
U.S.A.
Background:
The US is like Microsoft, everybody loved them when they were fighting for survival against Apple (Nazi Germany), but now that they’ve won and 90% of the world is surfing on their pirated software (pretending to be free and democratic) its like they’ve lost their geek mojo (American dream). Now there is this upstart Finnish coder Linus Torvalds (Osama bin Ladin) who is lookin all cool and hip to the young and impressionable kids (useful idiots) and poor old Microsoft is losing market-share (crazy people blowing up shit).
What the US needs to do is just embrace the open source (Koran), move to the dark side and open up that hidden source code (get those birkenstock wearing chicks into some birkas). I guess it breaks down there, but you get my drift.
Stated Objectives:
- Promote the Sale of US Dairy Products
- Promote Freedom and Security
- Don’t Reduce CO2 Emissions
Hidden Agenda:
- Try not to start another war
- Reduce CO2 Emissions
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