Alien Spacecraft Identification Manual

With the coming alien invasion it is incumbent upon every American to arm themselves and learn to identify the various alien attack craft that we will be facing.

We are all aware of the lengthy preparation that our enemy has made, their diligent efforts stretching back to ancient civilizations like the Aztecs, Egyptians and the French. I won’t go into the whole bit about how they have infiltrated the government and petrochemical companies and are feverishly terra-forming the planet one SUV at a time. All of this information has been covered before in many great documentaries, like “War of the Worlds” narrated by Tom Cruise, and “Total Recall” narrated by Governor Schwarzenegger.

Thankfully, we now have the weapons to repel these clammy saucer-eyed wimps. However, even though we are armed to the teeth we still need to know what to shoot and what not to shoot. Hence this manual of alien spacecraft recognition.

The Standard Hollywood Model: This is one of the earliest known designs, they look kind of like a spiral galaxy or a hub-cap from a 57 Chevy. They generally use these suckers as landing craft, either to abduct scantily clad teenage women for nefarious experimentation, or to load up on human protein. Best to wait until they land and then take out the crew mono-a-martian.

The Blurry Blob: The Blurry Blobs are high altitude surveillance craft, rarely seen close to the ground. If you get one of these babies in your sites, dole out some doubled barreled doom right into the center of the blur. Don’t try and hit a specific part of the vessel as you are likely to miss due to the hazy nature.

The Shock n’ Awe: The Shock n’ Awe model is used to make humans stand still so that they are easier to pick off. While the appearance of a standard Hollywood model usually leads to humans running around screaming, catching their clothing on vegetation and tripping over sticks. In contrast, the Shock n’ Awe model causes a strange stupor to engulf all of the observers, allowing the aliens to take the first shot at their leisure.

The Nuclear Powered Model: These ones are really easy to see, they look something like a street lamp or spot light. Basically nothing but a lot of light. This makes them even more difficult to hit than the Blurry Blobs. They tend to hang out close to the ground and play chicken with motorists. They are often seen in formation, diving and swirling around the heads of terrified humans.

In addition the four main types above there are variants on the them. The Cloaked Hollywood: Hollywoods are sometimes disguised as natural phenomena. The Fast Hollywood: A Hollywood with bigger engines. The Fuzzy Blurry Blob: Even harder to hit than the basic Blurry Blob model, the Fuzzy Blurry Blob model looks little different than a smudge on a camera lens. The Nuclear Powered Blurry Blob: Neither fully Blurry nor fully Nuclear.

Good luck, good hunting, and may God bless America!

1 May 2007 | General B.S. | Comments