How Cool is This?
If you are an old fart like me, then you will remember, a series of cheesy 70’s movies called “The Cannonball Run”. The very pinnacle of 70’s camp, this movie has a plot line that is in keeping with the whole 70’s return to the basics. By return the basics I mean, the sixties had landing a man on the moon, the seventies had disco music and appalling fashions.
The plot of the Cannonball Run was a bunch of people racing their cars across the U.S., coast to coast. In Hollywood this gets translated into high jinx, love interests and the occasional flat tire. The police offer Duke’s of Hazard’esque (never thought I would type that) comedy relief with their impotent attempts to stop the fun and games.
I always viewed this as a bad movie with a stupid premise, lame script and mediocre acting. I guess the stunts were ok, if you like watch cars running into things. It turns out that there is a group of people that take something else from this banal product of the lowest point of western culture. To these people the Cannonball Run is their Iliad, a great challenge, to drive as fast as they possibly can on public roads. But don’t worry, they aren’t endangering the lives of the Starbucks sipping commuters around them. They have loads of technological gadgets and have been practicing their art of driving like idiots by, well, driving like idiots.
What’s more, some of the media actually think its so cool how they equip their cars with night vision equipment. Night vision, huh? I guess this means that they plan to travel, not only at 150MPH, but also at night with their lights off. Their powers of reason astound me. Shit, even the New York Times, pisses themselves with enthusiasm for these bone heads and their “Accomplishment”.
They have a cool web site and plan a documentary film of their idiotic enterprises. They’ll probably edit out the bit where they run over somebodies dog in Boise. They obviously have too much money, which is good. They will need all of that money for the inevitable litigation that will follow their exploits (does the word “accident” even apply), no doubt while fiddling with some techno gadget at 150Mph at night, in rain, with the lights off.
WARNING: If you are not an idiot you can skip ahead to the next paragraph. Otherwise, what follows is called “sarcasm”, I’m not really proposing this, I am merely offering an analogy to show how fucking stupid Cannonball Run enthusiasts are.
I’d like to propose a new sport called Cannonball Run Shooter. In this challenge, contestants will shoot bullets as close to Cannonball Run drivers as possible without hitting them, which would cause disqualification. The closest bullet wins. This contest will only be open to skilled marksmen. We recommend the use of high powered sniper rifles with night vision scopes so that the Runners won’t be spooked.
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